A lot has happened since I last uploaded to this blog. About 9 months ago, my on-again/off-again insomnia came back into my life. It wasn't the pregnancy, this photo is just over 3 years old. It wasn't a crying baby, that baby is now 3 years old and sleeps through the night ... it was home-ownership, and all the uncertainties that come with it. And since then, I've been watching myself, wake myself, torment myself, into a worry state of mind that keeps me up in my middle-of-the-night!

Last night during one of these bouts, wishing I had an outlet, something to do if all my sleep-tricks were to fail me, I remembered this blog. It literally drifted into my stream-of-consciousness like an echo from a previous life. I couldn't even remember what it was called or how I would find it. But just like riding a bike, everything, randomly, came back to me, and here I am: posting: with words.

My world has never been more vulnerable than it is at this moment. I have planted roots for the first time in my life, I'm raising a daughter, while trying to maintain some kind of romantic relationship with my husband, I'm befriending my neighbors, I'm building a community. I'm trying to be a good daughter. Be a good friend. Be good to myself. Be nice to everyone, even the slow walkers, the people on the Path train who won't move in, the litterers, the aggressive drivers, the meek drivers, the three year old who won't wear new clothes, the husband who won't neatly put away his shoes, the self (me), who, at 3am, keeps reminding the self (me) of all the things in life that aren't going her way (but never all the things in her life that are going her way, odd right?).

I have a lot to say. But, for now, at 12.32am, on a Friday night, I know the morning will come quick and the day will be full.

I have scratched an itch, and perhaps tonight, I will sleep through till morning.

October 7, 2017